Reflecting on 18 Months of Breastfeeding; When to Wean

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Breastfeeding; the word elicits strong, opposing feelings in me. The idea of no longer breastfeeding brings feelings of freedom and relief. There is a lighter-than-air feeling in my chest when I think about no longer having to hear the click-click of my nursing bra unhooking before flinging my boob out of my shirt.

 

But in my heart, I feel a deep sadness at the idea of never again waking up to the sound of my son emphatically signing for “milk” in the middle of the night right in my ear. Or never again feeling his little body relax while settling in to nurse after a round of big feelings or teething pain. 

 

Our Breastfeeding Journey: 18 Months of Learning and Growth

 

Our breastfeeding journey, now officially spanning 18 months, has had its obstacles, but has taught me so much about myself and motherhood. I definitely consider it a blessing, and I can honestly say I would not change a thing about it. But I have a nagging feeling that it’s about time to hang the ole girls up.

 

Back when I was still pregnant, I was absolutely set on breastfeeding for a minimum of six months. The first six months of breastfeeding were hard, but after reaching that milestone, I was determined to make it to a year. After reaching a year, we had established such a great routine that it didn’t feel important to stop at the time. 

 

Facing Health Issues: The Impact of Breastfeeding on My Well-Being

 

So here we are, 558 days into breastfeeding, not exactly sure how to proceed. I have been experiencing a few weird health issues that appear to be caused by a hormone imbalance, and my doctor has advised me to stop nursing to see if my issues correct themselves. I don’t completely agree with that being the cause and am in the process of getting a second opinion, but it still has prompted me to think about what our weaning story will look like. 

 

Weaning comes with the possibility of being in better health, finally being able to double down on my weightloss and fitness goals, and better sleep for Levi (and therefore all of us.) I will also run a much smaller risk of having my shirt pulled down against my will in public.

 

Fears About Weaning: Navigating the Emotional Transition

 

But I’m also scared. Are these rational fears? Probably not, but let’s talk about them!

 

The first thing I’m scared about is not being able to soothe him as easily anymore. Being able to have the magic cure for literally everything over the last year and a half has been the nicest thing. Logically, I know that I know this child inside and out and that I have been learning how to take care of him for his entire life, with or without milk. However, knowing I have used this ‘easy button’ of sorts has made me second-guess my own ability. There will undoubtedly be a learning curve for both of us, and it is hard for me to withhold something from him that I know brings him comfort and peace.

 

Fearing Loss of Connection: Bonding Beyond Breastfeeding

 

In a similar way, I’m scared of losing connection with him. Our lives have been so inexplicably intertwined since the moment I laid my eyes on him in the form of that second pink line. Every breath and beat of his heart has echoed my own. 

 

He sleeps with us in our bed a majority of the time and I have never spent a full night away from him. Weaning will be the first major milestone of many that leads to us being distinct from one another. It is obviously inevitable, and I celebrate his emerging personhood wholeheartedly. And I know our connection will develop in amazing new ways as he gets older, but it will never be the same. 

 

It will never be like the still, quiet nights in his rocking chair, while the rest of the house was asleep and I prayed for a few more hours of rest. It was unbelievably hard, but it was precious in its own way. Those days are gone and have been replaced with early morning snooze buttons in the form of half-asleep nursing sessions. Without them, will mornings still be as sweet?

 

Breastfeeding as a Duty: The Sacrifices and Rewards

 

From the beginning, I have treated breastfeeding as a duty. It is a duty I am so glad I was able to do, despite the months of not eating dairy for Levi’s suspected allergy, or the countless lactation consultations due to his oral ties. The countless hours of pumping, sore nipples, and lack of bodily autonomy were all worthwhile sacrifices for what I was able to give to him. I realized that as long as I’m alive, I will do whatever it takes to make sure his needs are met.

 

Navigating Weaning: Hopeful Steps Forward

 

Ultimately, I will navigate weaning and the associated web of complex feelings in the same way I navigated breastfeeding; hopeful, one day at a time, and probably with lots of hot flashes. I know breastfeeding does not define us, but it has done a lot to shape our journey so far. 

 

A Sweet Revelation: Finding New Ways to Bond

 

After I was done writing this blog post, I feel like God gave me my answer. We had Levi’s 18 month doctor’s appointment (scheduled for exactly naptime, of course) and so we stopped and got some drive-through chicken nugs. We got home, cuddled up, ate our lunch and watched Inside Out.  

 

He has never been a great movie watcher in general. He is a very busy bee and has a hard time sitting still for them, but today he was a world-class snuggler. And my mama heart is at peace knowing we have so many sweet moments to come that have nothing to do with breastfeeding. This has been an excellent reminder to look more at the big picture. I had such a narrow view while considering weaning, and I spent so much time dwelling in the sadness I was experiencing, that I nearly missed all the quality connection that was happening right under my nose.